Lowered Expectations : by Carrigan Propes

First off, to let everyone know, I am not what you call a “tech savvy” kind of guy. I am a rare breed of human being that doesn’t have a cell phone permanently attached to the side of my cranium, nor due I drool over the latest in Ipod technology or revel in the myriad of pointless gadgets that are supposed to make life easier. (I am waiting for a personal air conditioned super suit. CP) I am however, a console gamer. A gamer that like many people, cautiously follows the tech savvy gurus of gamedom, critically analyzing the pros and cons of each new console system. I was there for the demise of the Sega Master System, and subsequent monopoly by Nintendo over the aging Atari systems. Yes, these were years that would forever shape console gaming as a whole.

The Sort of Past Now…

Fast forward to 2001-2005, only one familiar name from that era still stands, crippled maybe, but still standing none the less. Nintendo has always been a staple system in my arsenal up until the Gamecube. It seems that this company is desperately trying to constantly reinvent itself with each new console, while redundantly putting it’s mid 80’s trademark characters in seemingly new and exciting situations. The result: a company that not only can’t come up with much new content, but one that rapes our once fond memories of classic characters. It also results in a console that is decidedly crippled when it comes to multitasking. The fact that the Gamecube couldn’t play DVD’s, CD’s or wash my clothes, (a proposed PS3 feature) made it a hard sell for most people. Haphazard renditions of classic characters in games involving Donkey Kong and Mario, made my stomach turn. It seems like ol’ plumber boy has a hard time finding good work these days.

Sony (the metaphoric Godzilla), has all up until this point, claimed the throne as the console king. With only the release of 2 systems and 1 portable, they continue to swath a path of electronic monopolizing destruction that has no equal. Playstation 2 is now the equivalent to Alexander the Great in the console world. Don’t believe me, then ask yourself this; How many people do you know that have one? While boasting the ability to play DVDs and CD’s, the system was soon technologically outmatched by competing companies. This didn’t hinder them from continuing to try and beat a necrotic horse carcass with sub par sequels to games that had made the system famous..

Enter Microsoft, the once feared conqueror of computer free commerce, delve it’s greedy paw into the console world with the X-Box. While having a bumpy road at first, with much worldwide hatred for the monopoly of which Microsoft held with it’s firm grasp, the console soon gained followers. This slow progression, a cancer, for which I am also cursed with, was all do to a game that had no past, but oh so much future. That game was Halo , a game that changed a large demographic of gamers forever. Riding on the coat-tails of Halo, Microsoft released several titles, all claiming to be the next Halo. (remember Brute Force). With the online age of X-Box Live at hand, and sequels like Halo 2, Microsoft has slowly challenged the rule of the Playstation empire.

The VERY Now…

It seems as though Nintendo has finally lost their minds. Satoru Iwata, President of Nintendo has gamers a little confused with invalids and disturbed children that have to wear mittens. Don’t get me wrong, I love mittens, but I don’t like the Wii. He has stated that the console is going to be the most inviting and inclusive console to date. He has also stated in past interviews that he believes in turning the videogame console back into it’s original purpose,…..to be a game. Well, I can see the logic in that. But that doesn’t really help the Wii sound any better to me. It will be the least powerful system of the new consoles, although more than likely more durable. It also has the most radically designed controller for the new consoles. My sources tell me Nintendo got the idea from tying a TV remote to a woman’s electric shaver. They say that it will revolutionize gaming with the ability to actually flail your arms around like an idiot, breaking things in your friend’s house, just to play a game of simulated tennis. Why this is more appealing that actually playing real tennis is beyond me. Sword fighting on the Wii sounds like it might be interesting, or just cruel to those of us who are physically challenged. And finally, I have to gripe about the name. Why didn’t they stick with Revolution….they use that word every sentence on the official site. It might as well be called, “Look at me, I’m a small boy wearing a dress, please beat me up and steal my lunch money!”. I e-mailed them that idea, but got no response. Ok, so we have a system that is not as powerful, has a goofy name, has a controller that is a potential threat to the elderly or small children, and looks amazingly like a nutritionally deficient X-Box 360. It’s only hope is to sell small children dressed like Link along with the system to entertain you after the arm flailing Wii brand of gaming grows stale.

Sony realizes they will be successful no mater what kind of console they put out. You could put the Sony brand on an electric anal thermometer and it would be the new rage. The PS3 is going to be cool. Period. You might have to sell some organs to get one, but who needs a spleen really? They have a downgraded version also, but the difference is 80-20GB….I’d stick with the 80GB thanks. Also, Sony seems pretty confident Blu-ray is going to take off. I’m skeptical it will last. Remember Nintendo’s mini-disc, and how those were going to revolutionize media? Sony will no doubt bring a capable system to the table, but the fact they are going for a total entertainment console, the anti-Wii, scares me. We as a society already are too preoccupied with the convenience of choice. Today I went into a KFC/Pizza Hut/Taco Bell. Although it’s nice to have the option of doing multiple things on one machine, it also might lose some flavor in the translation. My pizza was pre-made and was nicely heat-lamped to an almost inedible state. See what I mean. Although millions of people will claw and steal and donate blood in an attempt to obtain this ominous “Master Machine”, I will not be in line. I still can’t figure out my toaster oven, and it only does one thing.

Now back to good ol’ Microsoft. This, being the only system out, has at least proven it will turn on when asked,….most of the time. X-Box 360 is the name for what Microsoft decided to unleash upon it’s console competitors. And 360 is a fitting name, as it denotes ending up right where you started. Plagued by numerous glitches and hard drive freezing goodness, the 360 has defiantly started out on a familiar foot. I was personally excited about this particular console. The line up of games was intriguing and the quality of the games seemed phenomenal. I think the 360 has one unique aspect that will continue to pump life into it’s dangerously negative image. X-Box Live. Yes, here millions of whiny kids can scream obscenities at you from across the world. With this unique online community, you can enjoy all the benefits of being electronically linked to complete strangers. This makes games like Halo 2 very satisfying, as you can actually shoot the person talking trash. With the confirmation that Halo 3 will be a 360 exclusive, Microsoft has once again ensured their ability to make everyone buy one. I might, we’ll see.

In conclusion, I sit back in my old sofa, turn on my Nintendo 64, and put in Golden Eye. I don’t have to worry about a system crash and losing all of my music, downloads, and naked pictures of myself, nor do I have the temptation to take my cartridge out and try to watch a movie on it. Even though I have to put up with characters that look like they are made out of Legos, there is a warm familiar feeling there.

Where will the future of console gaming leave us? My thoughts are up a “Battle Creek”(Halo) without a paddle.